We Don’t Know Anything About Other People
I’ve been listening to “Rising Strong”, an e-book by Brené Brown. Sometimes, it is easier to listen than read. The eyes get tired but the ears follow the mind. It rarely tires itself unless night falls. Halfway into the book, she relayed a particular story that caught my attention. Her story made me think of an incident. An incident I have not been able to put down as I wonder much about myself. How am I as a person? Why is it hard for me to say ‘no’? Brené Brown also follows the story with a question -Do you think people are trying their best?
The story goes that she was asked to speak for an event. She didn’t want to but was pressured by the email from the correspondent. It went along the line of: Don’t forget the people who supported you and brought you to where you are now. So she agreed to it. On top of her unwillingness, she had to share a hotel room with another presenter.
She had thought that was the worst of it all. But her roommate proved her wrong. On the first meeting, the roommate swiped her dirty hands that had touched a cinnamon roll onto the fabric of the couch. Might as well, the roommate also disregarded the no-smoking rule of the hotel.
This made Brené Brown mad for a long time. And, I am mad too.
In many situations, I try to always believe that people are doing their best. I try to believe that people are good in nature. I try to reserve prior judgements. And whatever unhappiness that follows, I kept it within myself. I want to give the full benefit of the doubt to my customers, co-workers, family, and friends. And, I don’t trust myself to think straight in the first instance.
But I am mad. I do feel taken advantage of at times. I feel wronged. I feel sad to give my best and have others trample on my best. I feel tired. Everyone seems all high and mighty, I might as well believe they have the right to do what they think it’s right. And I’ll go sulk in the corner.
So, when Brené Brown asked the question of the many she had encountered — Do you think people are trying their best? Even when their actions say otherwise. Even when they hurt others in the process.
My feelings waver every so often to that question. I’ll say yes first. For I’ll never know what another person’s life is like. With that, I can’t say that the actions and words that may sound maddening don’t encapsulate the best that they are trying to make out of it. I am just the receiving end of it. The bad end of it. I can’t make up a lot with such limited information.
But my feelings waver. When a stranger acts badly, I can get angry at times. When a person acts badly towards a loved one, I do feel angry too. When a loved one acts badly, I feel disappointed, angry, and sad. When I act badly, I feel anger and disappointment with myself. I could have been better. They could have been better. So, did I or the rest did our best?
Brené Brown found out that compassionate people reserve much of their judgements towards others. And also, they know that compassion doesn’t mean sacrificing themselves in the process.
Compassion doesn’t mean sacrificing themselves in the process. This part makes me wonder aloud at myself. In being kind and compassionate, how many times did I do something despite not wanting to? Like Brené Brown, she did not want to speak in that event but she did so anyway.
Sometimes, it is hard to say no to people. How can ‘no’, kindness, and love go together even? But it does. It sure does.
We are as much a human as other people. We can break, fall, and be down in the ruts. Saying ‘no’ to others can be saying ‘yes’ to ourselves. Though it is always nice to say ‘yes’ and be like by others, we may just end up hating ourselves.
So as I said in the beginning, I had an incident similar to Brené Brown. The incident made me questioned my actions. Was I the Brené Brown or the Cinnamon Roll roommate in my story? Funnily, I think I was both. I was the Brené Brown who did the best to be kind and liked by others. But also, the Cinnamon Bun who was a bad egg.
I learned something from Brené Brown’s story. We will never know if everyone is doing their best in their life. The most we know is that we don’t know. And sometimes, the ‘best’ that comes from you or me is made up of chunks of our soul. Learn to say ‘no’ for yourself. Compassion for yourself counts in the world too. And in life, we don’t always have the best of both worlds, we can only do our best.
Originally published at http://thepeajournal.wordpress.com on December 3, 2020.
