Bad situation
I am in a bad situation that eats me silently. I can bravely say that I have the ability to walk out of the situation. I have the ability to say it and do it. And yet, I can’t. Laughable state of affairs. But I guess that’s how a bad situation stays alive without doing much. It messes with your mind and laughs at you.
So you do everything that you don’t want to in that bad situation because you want to have the last laugh. You are trying to beat it at its own game. So do the pills, do the exercise, and do the meditation. You tough it out and do whatever it takes but that one thing. To walk away from the bad situation.
Physically, you will always be present, laughing, and playing along with humans. But when you are alone, you ask yourself questions. With much confusion, “What are you doing?” And you laugh some more. “Just doing the thing that I don’t want to. But hold on, I’m still alive. So nothing is too wrong about it yet.”
Breathing as per human, sleeping as per tiredness, and eating as per nutrition, and hence, I’m hanging beautifully on. Hanging on to the “now” like it’s the only card that you have in the deck of cards. But a deck of cards has loads of possibilities and you know it. But you hang, yeah you hang on to that only one.
Waiting, I say. I am waiting for the right time because life doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want to do. But it is your life. My life.
But as human goes, my life doesn’t really belong to me. I came to this world with strings of attachments. In my life, there are some people that I wish to not know, but I am indeed strung to those people and I can’t say it is not true. They got me here. I got them here. Those attachments are part of my life. Do I really want to cut the ugly that’s also part of me?
I do have to recognize and admit that some things are ugly and changes need to be made. Cutting is seldom viable.
And maybe one day, everything gets on my nerves and I just tell them what I want to tell them all these while. Honestly. To actually living in honesty. I guess I wasn’t living honestly. But would the world come back and bite me?
It is a challenging world.
Someone once said to me that a person has more to look up to, if in spite of the abuse, keeps her head held high and takes things lightly. That’s a sign of maturity. Not uttering a single ill word. Doing her best because she can.
I was taught the lesson to be ‘gracious’ and be better. To not be part of the ugliness I witnessed. Smiling and living as per ‘normal’. The more we make ourselves look ‘normal’ and happy, the less ugly the world will be.
But that’s not always true. Sometimes, that’s just silencing another for the ‘greater good’. But what’s really good if some of us are suffering?
I understand where he is coming from. But it was a wrong lesson to give me or anyone out there. Living like another person is not living how you should. Every person's choices and actions are her own and can be very beautifully and admirably executed. But I am not her.
Everyone behaves differently. It may look similar but a little twitch of the nose or differently worded words and everyone is indeed different. Not just one way to be. And it’s okay to feel differently too. Life can’t be simply understood. And simplicity is rarely right.
